nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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