i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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