Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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