Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
