Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
