i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
