you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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