I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
