we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I have fence marks all over my body
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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