I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
