I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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