I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
