The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
