Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
