Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
