just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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