Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
