Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
