I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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