and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
