You're completely useless in the revolution.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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