can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
