this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
