i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
