I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
