my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
