Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
