My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
