I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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