Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
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I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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