Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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