Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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