He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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