He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
