I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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