Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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