Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
