my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
