My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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