the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
