yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude. I can hear the air.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
