How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
