my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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