i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize