When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
