I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
