The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
