so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
