Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize