Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.