just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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