Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
